THE PILOT SCRIPT
I typed this up from my tape of the pilot (aired Oct 7, 1997) because people kept asking!! I paused and rewound about 200 times. I might have a few words wrong, and I left out a couple of lines where the sound was bad. PLEASE do not repost without asking.
ALAN McBURGER Episode 1: "The Law of Attraction" Surreal legal comedy / Boston, 1997 TEASER EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY - 1983 Alan McBurger, nine, in a clip-on tie, carries a briefcase holding one Hot Wheels car and a ham sandwich. Beside him, Bethany Thomas, nine. ALAN (V.O.) Maybe it was when Bethany told me I was the smartest boy in the third grade. She actually said the smartest boy in our reading group. There were four boys in the reading group. One was functionally illiterate. But love doesn't care about statistics. Bethany kisses his cheek. A cartoon crown appears above him. ALAN (V.O.) That was the moment I knew that someday a woman would recognize my greatness. And I would never have to improve myself. INT. HARVARD LAW SCHOOL - 1992 BETHANY I've been offered a clerkship in Michigan. ALAN Where the militias are? BETHANY Where the Supreme Court justice I'm clerking for is from, Alan. ALAN I thought we had an understanding. BETHANY We never had an understanding. ALAN We had a childhood understanding. BETHANY We were nine. ALAN Exactly. Before feminism complicated everything. BETHANY I'm choosing my career. Over you. A gigantic animated sword pierces Alan's chest. ALAN (V.O.) Women. You give them everything. Your loyalty. Your vulnerability. Your collection of limited-edition Spawn figurines. And then one day they decide they want constitutional law. EXT. BOSTON - DAY - 1997 ALAN (V.O.) Thirty years old. Single. A lawyer. Five foot eight. Five foot eleven on the internet. And still waiting for the universe to admit that it owes me something. TITLE CARD: A hamburger rotates in front of the scales of justice. Thunderclap. ACT ONE INT. LAW FIRM - DAY Alan browses a message board: MEN OF REASON - BOSTON CHAPTER. A post: IS IT DISCRIMINATION IF WOMEN DON'T DATE SHORT ATTORNEYS? His boss MARGARET LYNE enters. MARGARET Alan, can we discuss your performance? ALAN Sexually or professionally? MARGARET Professionally. ALAN Thank God. MARGARET You asked the women in accounting whether they'd still demand equal pay if men stopped inventing bridges. ALAN And nobody answered. MARGARET You also called the senior partners "the matriarchy." ALAN Three of them are women. MARGARET There are eleven partners. ALAN It's a slippery slope. MARGARET Alan, you're fired. A cartoon anvil drops on Alan's head. EXT. BOSTON STREET - AFTERNOON RACHEL FISH, sharply dressed, calls out. RACHEL I started my own firm. You should come work for me. ALAN What's your philosophy of law? RACHEL Money. ALAN And merit? RACHEL Merit is what people call money before they have any. RACHEL Money is justice with a better tailor. ACT TWO INT. FISH & CAGE - DAY RACHEL That's ELLIOT, your assistant. Our bathrooms are unisex. ALAN (V.O.) Unisex bathrooms. The final frontier of civilization. An animated Roman Empire collapses behind him. BETHANY enters. A tiny animated Alan pumps his fist: "THE PROPHECY!" ALAN You work here? BETHANY That's generally where the building is. BETHANY Alan, I'd like you to meet my husband. DANIEL THOMAS, 32, enters. ALAN A man? DANIEL Usually. Alan's mind becomes a burning medieval village. DANIEL Bethany's told me about you. Mostly the time you ate a pencil eraser to impress her. ALAN It was a dare. BETHANY Nobody dared you. ALAN History is written by the victors. ACT THREE INT. ALAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT His roommate RONNIE eats cereal. RONNIE So she's married. ALAN To a man. He's tall. He probably has a normal relationship with his father. RONNIE Devastating. ALAN I was there first. Property law recognizes prior claims. RONNIE Women aren't property, Alan. Alan looks into the camera. A laugh track plays, then cuts out. Silence. RONNIE Maybe your problem is that you think the world owes you a particular life. ALAN Maybe the world's problem is that it hasn't given me that life. EXT. BOSTON - NIGHT An alley behind a courthouse. A shop: THE FINAL APPEAL - Rare Books - Occult Texts - Binding Arbitration. INT. BOOKSTORE ALAN Do you have anything on men's rights? BOOKSELLER We have something much worse. An enormous black book: THE CODEX DOMINION - The Law That Precedes All Laws. ALAN Is this Jordan Peterson? BOOKSELLER Older. ALAN Can it make a woman admit she was wrong? BOOKSELLER Yes. It costs the thing you value most. ALAN I have a complete set of first-edition Magic: The Gathering cards. BOOKSELLER Your soul. ALAN Could I pay in installments? ACT FOUR INT. ALAN'S APARTMENT - 2:13 A.M. A pentagram drawn in pizza grease and red Sharpie. ALAN (V.O.) Alexander sought conquest. Caesar sought empire. I sought a woman who would acknowledge that I was a pretty good catch. ALAN Per voluntatem meam, mundus flectatur. THE CODEX NAME YOUR DESIRE. ALAN I want a world where I'm respected. Where women appreciate traditional masculinity. Where men like Daniel aren't rewarded for being emotionally available and physically attractive. THE CODEX BE SPECIFIC. ALAN I want the world to work the way I think it should. THE CODEX SO ORDERED. A gavel strikes. The universe tears open. ACT FIVE INT. FISH & CAGE - MORNING ELLIOT I prepared a list of all the women in the office who have expressed romantic interest in you. Seventeen, sir. Eighteen if we count Judge Hopkins. Alan's jawline is absurdly angular. He is six inches taller. Bethany enters with unnatural adoration. BETHANY How foolish I was to leave you. I should have been pursuing the only thing that matters. Your approval. ALAN And Daniel? BETHANY Who? ALAN Your husband. BETHANY I've never been married, Alan. Her eyes don't quite focus. Her smile is too symmetrical. RACHEL The partners have voted to make you senior partner. ALAN I've been here one day. RACHEL Experience is for men who lack instincts. An animated eagle lands on his shoulder. "FREEDOM." Alan looks into the camera. ALAN I think I'm going to like it here. A laugh track plays. It continues too long, and too loudly. TAG INT. UNISEX BATHROOM - NIGHT Alan admires his reflection. His reflection doesn't smile. REFLECTION What if they were never mistaken? What if you were just unbearable? You haven't made anyone love you, Alan. You've just made it impossible for them to say no. A scream. The hallway stretches infinitely. Every office contains a different Bethany. All speak at once. THE BETHANYS I love you, Alan. Alan slams the door. His reflection now wears a black judicial robe. REFLECTION Court is in session. CUT TO BLACK. A final laugh track. A judge's gavel. END OF PILOT
Last updated: June 9, 1998 | McBurgerMan97@aol.com